Bulletin

In the interests of creating the Utopian Relationship, empathy is the ultimate skill and probably the most underrated in intimate relationships and in the workplace I suspect. At a recent workshop on Emotional Intelligence I asked the group to define empathy. Surprisingly, the men performed better!

Empathy is the ultimate communication skill, the paragon amongst the various skills that we use to connect with others. A relationship will not survive but will at best ‘limp along’ if the partners are not empathic with each other. Lack of empathy can quickly build resentment in a relationship where the partner may feel undervalued. Given the sizeable status of empathy in our communication skill repertoire, it constantly amazes me how many of the couples I see for marriage counselling do not know what empathy is.

Daniel Goleman, expert in the theory of Emotional Intelligence, says that "empathy is our social radar". It is our attunement to others, our ability to sensing what others feel without perhaps their even saying so. Others rarely tell us in words what they feel; instead, they tell us in their tone of voice, facial expression, or other non-verbal ways. But empathy does not stop there. It also involves caring about what you sense about another and using empathic behaviour towards the person if need be.

The ability to be empathic, to sense the feelings and subtle communications of others, builds on the competencies of self-awareness and managing feelings. Without the ability to sense our own feelings, or to keep them from swamping us -- we will be hopelessly out of touch with the moods of others.

Goleman further suggests that being emotionally 'tone deaf' leads to social awkwardness, whether from misconstruing feelings or through a mechanical, out-of-tune bluntness or indifference that destroys rapport. At the highest levels, empathy is understanding the issues or concerns that lie behind another’s feelings.

If you believe that you need to increase your empathy to improve the intimacy in your relationship then start here:

• Observe other people being empathic and have a go at modelling their behaviour.
• Ask your wife/husband/partner what they would like you to do so show that you have an understanding of their feeling/situations and that you care about them. Carry out what they suggest without viewing it as an act of manipulation are control. Realize they are teaching you about love.
• Write a list of words that describe feelings. Get your partner to assist you. Put the list on the fridge door as a reminder that relationships are forged through the heart. Experiment with using these words.

"Who taught you all this, Doctor?"
The reply came promptly:
"Suffering"

Albert Camus, The Plague

The choice to grow your emotional literacy will decrease your relationship confusion and pain and propel you towards the best years of your relationship life.